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Friday, March 10, 2006


A joyful heart is good medicine, but a crushed spirit dries up the bones. - Pro 17:22.

“A change is as good as a rest,” said BB to Kimby, so I am taking his advice too, and changing my format for the weekend. I am including some Scottish jokes for my good friend, and fellow Scotsman Frank Black from, Team-Swap Blog. So enjoy your weekend, and as they say in Scotland… “Laff yer heids aff!”

List of Short Scottish Jokes
The Scots have an infallible cure for sea-sickness. They lean over the side of the ship with a ten pence coin in their teeth."

  1. "In some Scottish restaurants they heat the knives so you can't use too much butter."

  2. McTavish broke the habit of a lifetime and bought two tickets for a raffle. One of his tickets won a 1,000 pound prize. He was asked how he felt about his big win. "Disappointed" said McTavish. "My other ticket didn't win anything"

  3. McDougal walked into a fish and chip shop. "I want 10 pence worth of chips, please. I want lots of salt and vinegar on them and two pence worth of pickled onions. And wrap the whole lot in today's newspaper".

  4. You should be careful about stereotyping the Scots as mean. There was a recent letter to a newspaper from an Aberdonian which said "If you print any more jokes about mean Scotsmen I shall stop borrowing your paper."

  5. Have you heard the rumour that the Grand Canyon was started by a Scotsman who lost a coin in a ditch?

  6. After discovering that they had won 15 million pounds in the Lottery, Mr and Mrs McFlannel sat down to discuss their future. Mrs McFlannel announced "After twenty years of washing other people's stairs, I can throw my old scrubbing brush away at last." Her husband agreed - "Of course you can, hen. We can easily afford to buy you a new one now."

  7. As a Christmas present one year, the Laird gave his gamekeeper, MacPhail, a deerstalker hat with ear-flaps. MacPhail was most appreciative and always wore it with the flaps tied under his chin to keep his ears warm in the winter winds. One cold, windy day the Laird noticed he was not wearing the hat. " Where's the hat?" asked the Laird. " I've given up wearing it since the accident," replied MacPhail. " Accident? I didn't know you'd had an accident." " Yes. A man offered me a nip of whisky and I had the earflaps down and never heard him."

  8. Scotsmen hate to see waste, no matter where it is. So when Jock saw the Niagara Falls for the first time he said it was a waste of water - and a plumber in Dundee could fix them in half an hour.

  9. A Scottish prayer - "Oh Lord, we do not ask you to give us wealth. But show us where it is!"

  10. Angus called in to see his friend Donald to find he was stripping the wallpaper from the walls. Rather obviously, he remarked "You're decorating, I see." to which Donald replied "Naw. I'm moving house."

  11. When a bus company was prevailed upon to increase the concessionary fare to frequent travellers so that they got six journeys instead of four for a pound, one elderly gentleman, renowned for his frugality, even in a community where frugal folk are common, was still unhappy. " It's all dam' foolishness," he declared. "Now we've got to walk to town six times instead of four times to save a pound!"
To: Jesus, Son of Joseph Woodcrafter's Carpenter Shop Nazareth 25922
From: Jordan Management Consultants

Dear Sir:
Thank you for submitting the resumes of the twelve men you have picked for managerial positions in your new organization. All of them have now taken our battery of tests; and we have not only run the results through our computer, but also arranged personal interviews for each of them with our psychologist and vocational aptitude consultant.

The profiles of all tests are included, and you will want to study each of them carefully.
As part of our service, we make some general comments for your guidance, much as an auditor will include some general statements. This is given as a result of staff consultation, and comes without any additional fee.

It is the staff opinion that most of your nominees are lacking in background, education and vocational aptitude for the type of enterprise you are undertaking. They do not have the team concept. We would recommend that you continue your search for persons of experience in managerial ability and proven capability.

Simon Peter is emotionally unstable and given to fits of temper. Andrew has absolutely no qualities of leadership. The two brothers, James and John, the sons of Zebedee, place personal interest above company loyalty. Thomas demonstrates a questioning attitude that would tend to undermine morale. We feel that it is our duty to tell you that Matthew had been blacklisted by the Greater Jerusalem Better Business Bureau; James, the son of Alphaeus, and Thaddaeus definitely have radical leanings, and they both registered a high score on the manic-depressive scale.

One of the candidates, however, shows great potential. He is a man of ability and resourcefulness, meets people well, has a keen business mind, and has contacts in high places. He is highly motivated, ambitious, and responsible. We recommend Judas Iscariot as your controller and right-hand man. All of the other profiles are self-explanatory.
We wish you every success in your new venture.

Jordan Management Consultants
Tim Hansel.


1. Talking to her about computer hardware I make my mother board.
2. Will this computer last five years? Obsoletely!
3. He dropped a computer on his toes and had megahertz.
4. Some computer equipment got shot. It was a graphic display.
5. It's tough to be in the computer business when the chips are down.
6. If you take a laptop computer for a run you could jog your memory.
7. There was a dentist who was convicted of incisor trading.
8. A dentist with a toothache could have a bad impact on his patients.
9. I went to the dentist without lunch, and he gave me a plate.
10. Do dentists of foreign extraction pull teeth rootinely?
11. Dentists have the same old grind day after day.
12. A dentist has to tell a patient the whole tooth.


Loving Father, help me by the power of the Holy Spirit, to remind myself that Jesus died to set me free, help me Lord to live that life, and be determined in Him to have a joyful heart, in Jesus wonderful name I pray, amen!


Be encouraged!


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