NEW PONTIFF NEEDS TO GIVE WOMEN A VESTRY WITH A VIEW!

This article from THE AUSTRALIAN April 19, 2005 by LOUISE EVANS...

IF the new pope wants my vote he's going to have to earn it. Zipping around the globe to tend his flock and preaching world peace in multiple languages doesn't cut it any more after John Paul II earned frequent-flyer gold card status.

And he better not make John Paul II a saint before he does the right thing by our own Mary MacKillop, who is waiting to be upgraded to a full-blown saint. Lord knows she has earned it and has waited long enough, having died in 1909. Australia doesn't have a saint, not one, (AFL team St Kilda and St George Illawarra rugby leaguers don't count) and we need a home-grown miracle worker to save us from having to work until we're 75 before we can get the pension.

Having done the right thing by our Mary, the new pope can turn his attention to giving his female flock a role in the church. I don't mean ironing the candle wax out of the altar cloths, vacuuming the confessional and populating the pews.

If we have to keep working past 65, I wouldn't mind a second career as a priest. The perks are definitely worth it: nice house, usually on a hill with good views, a housekeeper, huge office, large devoted workforce and flexible working hours. The uniforms are lovely, especially those lace-trimmed dresses with contrasting satin embroidered sashes worn for mass. And don't get me started on the hats. They're divine. There'd also be a ready supply of essential oils - especially myrrh and frankincense - to soothe sore joints after a hard day's prayer and candles to burn.

It's a dream job for an old chook. The pay would be low but women are used to that. And we'd have to be better at administering pastoral care than a celibate home-alone male who rolls up his sleeves only to stop them getting wet at christenings.

Of course, Catholic women have to produce the next generation to feed the collection plates, so the vexed question of priests and marriage would become a moot point for the new pope. A female priest with child would have to be married, unless the new pope wants to declare all priestly offspring virgin births. I can't see the Vatican Council going for it.

If the new pope offered favourable maternity leave and superannuation benefits, there would be a flood of faithful females rushing to frock up and take the place of those male priests who keep getting defrocked.

Unaccustomed as I am to begging, I couldn't come at making pleas from the pulpit for my struggling flock to pay for the upkeep of me and the church. So I'm thinking of getting some sponsors.

Nothing sacrilegious, of course. But McDonald's, for example, could supply the bread and McWilliam's could sponsor the shiraz. Kids and grown-ups would be falling over in the aisles in the rush for communion.
In return for the sponsor's generous patronage we could put some tasteful advertising on the prayer books and hymn sheets, "McDonald's family restaurants: Where cleanliness is next to godliness", and "McWilliam's shiraz: Heaven in a glass". Ronald McDonald could make guest appearances at christening breakfasts and McWilliam's could do the wedding feasts.

One of the biggest problems facing the new pope (apart from pedophilic priests) is dwindling congregations. So here's what I'm thinking: ditch the choirs and do hymns karaoke-style. It'll have them laughing all the way to the altar, not to mention queuing for the microphone.

Australia's candidate for pope, Cardinal George Pell, says the church needs to change with the times. So how about confessions by email? "Bless me, father, for I have sinned, it has been 164 emails since my last confession ..." Mass times could be decided by the masses via text messaging: "cu8 2nite 4 kara-ok".

And if the church is supposed to be a collection of worshippers rather than a structure, how about giving the congregation a financial interest by selling off 49 per cent of the church and land package? If parishioners had a stake in the real estate, they'd readily volunteer for those dirty jobs - such as scraping pigeon poop off the cross on the roof - to protect their investment.

And while they're on the roof, how about attaching this marketing slogan under the cross: "Pray here to Aussie saint Mary MacKillop. She'll save you."