DAILY ENCOURAGEMENT FRIDAY - A CHEERFUL HEART. #23.
A cheerful heart is good medicine, but a crushed spirit dries up the bones. - Pro 17:22. TNIV
Wow! It’s been a busy week, and on top of it all, Jean and I are fighting a virus that’s been hanging on for weeks, we would appreciate your prayers. Now let’s cheer ourselves up after a hard week...
Signs You've Had Too Much Coffee...
You've worn the finish off your coffee table.
All your kids are named Joe.
Chuck Yeager thinks you need to calm down.
Instant coffee takes too long.
Juan Valdez named his donkey after you.
People can test their batteries in your ears.
People get dizzy just watching you.
Starbucks owns the mortgage on your house.
The nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse.
The only time you're standing still is during an earthquake. The Taster's Choice couple wants to adopt you.
When someone asks 'how are you' you say, 'good to the last drop'.
You buy milk by the barrel.
You can jump-start your car without cables.
You can outlast the Energizer bunny.
You can take a picture of yourself from ten feet away without using the timer.
Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!
The Differences Between Men And Women…
NICKNAMES: If Gloria, Suzanne, Debra and Michelle go out for lunch, they will call each other Gloria, Suzanne, Debra and Michelle. But if Mike, Phil, Rob and Jack go out for a brewsky, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Useless.
DINING OUT: And when the check comes, Mike, Phil, Rob and Jack will each throw in $20 bills, even though it's only for $22.50. None of them will have anything smaller, and none will actually admit they want change back. When the girls get their check, out come the pocket calculators.
BATHROOMS: A man has six items in his bathroom -- a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of Dial soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn. The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.
GROCERIES: A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes out to the store and buys these things. A man waits till the only items left in his fridge are half a lime and a soda. Then he goes grocery shopping. He buys everything that looks good. By the time a man reaches the checkout counter, his cart is packed tighter than the Clampett's car on Beverly Hillbillies. Of course, this will not stop him from going to the 10-items-or-less lane.
SHOES: When preparing for work, a woman will put on a Mondi wool suit, then slip on Reebok sneakers. She will carry her dress shoes in a plastic bag from Saks. When a woman gets to work, she will put on her dress shoes. Five minutes later, she will kick them off because her feet are under the desk. A man will wear the same pair of shoes all day.
CATS: Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.
DRESSING UP: A woman will dress up to: Go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail. A man will dress up for: weddings, funerals.
LAUNDRY: Women do laundry every couple of days. A man will wear every article of clothing he owns, including his surgical pants that were hip about eight years ago, before he will do his laundry. When he is finally out of clothes, he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside out, rent a U-Haul and take his mountain of clothes to the Laundromat. Men always expect to meet beautiful women at the Laundromat. This is a myth perpetuated by re-runs of old episodes of "Love, American Style."
OFFSPRING: Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and soccer games and romances and best friends and favorite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!
If 99.9% was good enough...
* 12 newborns would be given to the wrong parents daily.
* 114,500 mismatched pairs of shoes would be shipped per year.
* 18,322 pieces of mail would be mishandled per hour.
* 2,000,000 documents would be lost by the IRS this year. (We can handle that one!)
* 2.5 million books would be shipped with the wrong covers.
* Two planes landing at Chicago's O'Hare airport would be unsafe every day.
* 315 entries in Webster's Dictionary would be misspelled.
* 20,000 incorrect drug prescriptions would be written per year.
* 880,000 credit cards in circulation would turn out to have incorrect cardholder information on their magnetic strips.
* 103,260 income tax returns would be processed incorrectly per year.
* 5.5 million cases of soft drinks produced would be flat.
* 291 pacemaker operations would be performed incorrectly.
* 3056 copies of tomorrow's Wall Street Journal would be missing one of the three sections.*
A typical day would be 24 hours long (give or take 86.4 seconds).
A story is told of an Eastern king which illustrates at once our delusion respecting natural processes, and also God's work and presence in them. The king was seated in a garden, and one of his counselors was speaking of the wonderful works of God.
"Show me a sign," said the king, "and I will believe."
"Here are four acorns," said the counselor, "will you, Majesty, plant them in the ground, and then stoop down for a moment and look into this clear pool of water?"
The king did so, "Now," said the other, "look up."
The king looked up and saw four oak-trees where he had planted the acorns. "Wonderful!" he exclaimed, "This is indeed the work of God."
"How long were you looking into the water?" asked the counselor.
"Only a second," said the king. "Eighty years have passed as a second," said the other. The king looked at his garments; they were threadbare. He looked at his reflection in the water; he had become an old man. "There is no miracle here, then," he said angrily.
"Yes," said the other, "it is God's work, whether he did it in one second or in eighty years." - Source Unknown.
THESE ARE THE LAST OF THE PUNS FOR MY FRIEND – BLOGOTIONAL, BECAUSE I WANT TO STAY HIS FRIEND!
1. The first duck wouldn't go in the water. The other duck said "What are you, chicken?".
2. Biologists have recently produced immortal frogs by removing their vocal cords. They can't croak.
3. After being treated by an optometrist, the bird seed.
4. Aged attorneys retire because they're tired of the old writ race.
5. French gendarmes don't use yellow crime scene tape but prefer cordon bleu.
6. The meat truck took a long time to deliver because of the Jerky ride.
7. The strike at the sugar factory was dissolved after the assets were liquidated.
8. Every time I put on some trousers, my wardrobe get depleated.
9. My sweet mother got so old she granulated.
10. She sent some herbs by parsley post.
11. I hired a ghost photographer. The spirit was willing but the flash was weak.
12. When there are tears at a wedding there is also eye dew.
13. You will sew according to what you rip.
14. Occasionally in the Caribbean there's a total calypso the sun.
15. When the mayor wanted to slash the budget he turned to a fund razor.
16. You should never drink beyond the pint of no return.
17. A baker always put too much flour in his bread because he was a gluten for punishment.
18. Those who live beyond their means should act their wage.
19. She told me the drink was non-alcoholic, but where was the proof?
20. When I took my family to the zoo, the children were hippo critical.
Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!
SO ONCE AGAIN LET US REMIND OURSELVES, THAT BEING CHEERFUL KEEPS YOU HEALTHY. IT IS SLOW DEATH TO BE GLOOMY ALL THE TIME!
Loving Father, help me by the power of the Holy Spirit, to remind myself that Jesus died to set me free, help me Lord to live that life, and be determined in Him to have a joyful heart, in Jesus wonderful name I pray, amen!
HAVE A GREAT AND GODLY WEEKEND!