DAILY ENCOURAGEMENT FRIDAY – A CHEERFUL HEART #46.
A cheerful heart is good medicine, but a crushed spirit dries up the bones. - Pro 17:22.
Friday has come and brings to an end another working week. What better way to get into a good frame of mind than to end it with a good laugh …
A salesman from KFC walked up to the Pope and offers him a million dollars if he would change The Lord's Prayer from "give us this day our daily bread" to "give us this day our daily chicken." The Pope refused his offer.
Two weeks later, the man offered the pope 10 million dollars to change it from "give us this day our daily bread" to "give us this day our daily chicken" and again the Pope refused the man's generous offer.
Another week later, the man offered the Pope 20 million dollars and finally the Pope accepted. The following day, the Pope said to all his officials, "I have some good news and some bad news. 'The good news is, that we have just received a check for 20 million dollars. The bad news is, we lost the Wonder Bread account!''' - H/T Prying1.
Hillary Clinton died and went to heaven. As she stood in front of Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates, she saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. She asked, "What are all those clocks?"
Saint Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie, the hands on your clock will move.
"Oh," said Hillary, "whose clock is that?"
"That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved indicating that she never told a lie."
"Whose clock is that?"
"That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have only moved twice telling us that Abe only told 2 lies in his entire life."
"Where's Bill's clock?" Hillary asked.
"Bill's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."
I'm so broke...
I'm so broke, I go to KFC and lick other peoples fingers.
I'm so broke me and my girlfriend got married for the rice.
I'm so broke, if a trip around the world cost a nickel, I wouldn't have enough to leave the couch!
I'm so broke that I just went into McDonald's and put a small fry on layaway.
If pickles were 10 cents a truckload I couldn't buy a wart off a cucumber!
I'm so broke, just to rub two nickels together, I'd have to borrow one.
We were so broke, that at Christmas, all we could exchange was glances.
I'm so broke, the bank asked for their calendar back.
I'm so broke, long distance companies don't even call me to switch!
If I stopped on a dime, I'd probably owe it to someone.
I ain't broke, but I'm severely bent.
Someone saw me kicking a can down the street, and when asked what I was doing I said, "Moving."
I'm so broke I can't afford to pay attention!
A guy walked into our house, stepped on a cigarette and my Mom yelled, "Who turned off the heat?"
I'm so broke that when someone saw my Mom walking down the street with one shoe, they said, "Hey, you lost a shoe." She said, "No, I found one."
We're so broke that if someone rings our doorbell I have to yell, "Ding Dong!" out the window.
In Order Of Stupidity...
In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods.
On Boot's Children Cough Medicine -- "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication." (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.)
On Nytol Sleep Aid -- "Warning: May cause drowsiness..." (and...I'm taking this because???....)
On most brands of Christmas lights -- "For indoor or outdoor use only." (as opposed to...what)?
On a Japanese food processor -- "Not to be used for the other use." (Now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)
On Sainsbury's peanuts -- "Warning: contains nuts." (talk about a news flash)
On an American Airlines packet of nuts -- "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts." (Step 3: maybe, uh...fly Delta?)
On a child's Superman costume -- "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly." (I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.)
On a Sears hairdryer -- Do not use while sleeping. (Darn, and that's the only time I have to work on my hair).
On a bag of Fritos -- You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. (the shoplifter special)?
On a bar of Dial soap -- "Directions: Use like regular soap." (and that would be how???.....)
On some Swanson frozen dinners -- "Serving suggestion: Defrost." (but, it's "just" a suggestion).
On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom) -- "Do not turn upside down." (well...duh, a bit late, huh)!
On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding - "Product will be hot after heating." (...and you thought????....)
On packaging for a Hoover iron -- "Do not iron clothes on body." (but wouldn't this save me more time)?
OUR GREATEST NEED…
If our greatest need had been information, God would have sent us an educator.
If our greatest need had been technology, God would have sent us a scientist.
If our greatest need had been money, God would have sent us an economist.
If our greatest need had been pleasure, God would have sent us an entertainer.
But our greatest need was forgiveness, so God sent us a Saviour.
To avoid offending anybody, the school dropped religion altogether and started singing about the weather. At my son's school, they now hold the winter program in February and sing increasingly non-memorable songs such as "Winter Wonderland," "Frosty the Snowman" and--this is a real song--"Suzy Snowflake," all of which is pretty funny because we live in Miami. A visitor from another planet would assume that the children belonged to the Church of Meteorology. - Dave Barry.
WE ARE REMINDED THAT BEING CHEERFUL KEEPS US HEALTHY… IT IS SLOW DEATH TO BE GLOOMY ALL THE TIME!
Loving Father, help me by the power of the Holy Spirit, to remind myself that Jesus died to set me free, help me Lord to live that life, and be determined in Him to have a cheerful heart, in Jesus wonderful Name I pray, amen!
HAVE A GREAT AND GODLY WEEKEND!